[FRIAM] more evopsych

[steve smith]

glen wrote:
>
> Ultimately, I find the brash posture of Boston Bros a bit refreshing 
> ... it's more like Texas here and very unlike the OR and WA places 
> I've lived. But it's nice to know I still have strategies other than 
> tit-for-tat, including those that rely on teasing out some latent 
> structure I can use to my benefit.
Why does the "how do you like THEM apples?" scene from Good Will Hunting 
come to mind?

I got my best taste of East-Coast brashness a few decades ago, driving 
through New England.  I bought a fountain soda after getting gas and as 
I often do, left an inch of room from the top for tippage and took no 
lid or straw.  I like to drink my soda (or unsweet ice tea today) 
straight from the lip of the single-use cup (paper over plastic over 
foam preferred).  The very friendly 30ish guy at the counter takes my 
money, gives me my change and then thrusts a straw across the counter at 
me and says "here, have a straw!".  I say "thanks, I don't need one" 
pushing it back his way politely.  He then fairly aggressively pushes it 
back at me and says "no, you keep it!".  So I do.

My "polite" exchange instincts left me giving him a goofy grin and 
walking out with the straw in one hand and the uncapped drink in the 
other.  I barely had any instinct to tit-for-tat him with "No, YOU keep 
it!" which I suspect he would have accepted/respected.   I also found 
myself wanting to drop the straw in the trash in his sight, but it just 
felt disrespectful? Not so much to him, but somehow to the straw?   I 
think I even carried it into my vehicle and probably discarded it later 
after it got some road-wear.

As you can tell, I was totally out of my depth with this interaction.   
You might also notice that it still sticks with me (in my craw I 
suppose?).  Today I would probably have the presence of mind *not* to 
touch the straw and just smile and say nothing, leaving it in place... 
most respecting the straw and the helpful (albeit aggressive) clerk.

Today I have virtually no energy or focus for active engagement with 
people I don't know...  I suppose if am growing into the "grump old man" 
archetype.  Acquaintances I encounter regularly (service help, 
lifeguards at the pool we frequent, etc) I give all the positive body 
language I can, a little eye contact, some muttered niceties, but (I 
suspect) to their relief I don't force small talk on them or feed them 
my minor grievances as no small number of my peers seem to.  Some do it 
with enough charm these staff seem to actually enjoy the engagement 
(maybe no more than I enjoyed having a straw thrust back at me after 
declining it once?) others just leave a wake for mild frowns and blank 
stares.   I used to feel like "everyone's parent/uncle" in these, now I 
feel like their elderly grandparent (which is baseline less deferential 
but also less hostile, sometimes openly patient and patronizing).

Where it matters, I do find I can still rise to some level of projecting 
my personal energy into the group (usually just pairwise) and set some 
kind of impedance baseline...  The two examples you give from Boston are 
so far in my past they are but a fuzzy dream!

- Steve

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